Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when
they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The
three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort
to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving
in front of her at the same time.
The
males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on
themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in
return.
Aware
of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors,
she decides to be kind and tells them, "The
first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together
in an
imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The
sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I
love liver and cheese."
"
Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "That shows
no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She
turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How
well can you do?"
"
Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"
My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless.
That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She
then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How
about you, little guy?"
The
last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and
finesse, is the Taco
Bell
Chihuahua.
He
gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever
and the Lab
and says....
"Liver
alone. Cheese mine."
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a
mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer,
he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of
pottery.
He
strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the
cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.
"
Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and
undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll
raise my offer to ten dollars."
"
It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the
ten on the spot.
"
For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said
the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking
from it." "Nothing doing," said the proprietor
firmly.
" That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week
I've sold 34 cats."
Two blondes were
walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other
blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He
went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who
is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The
trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later,
the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who
is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The
terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the
mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On
a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who
is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast
as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his
trunk, slams him against a tree half
a dozen
times
leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over
by safari wagon.
The
elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn
tortilla and rambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his
head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't
know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled
eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she
normally slept in.
As
I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this
very moment!'
My
eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!'
Not
wanting
to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it
my all right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards
she said, 'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around
her
neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all
about?'
She
explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
TIGER
TALES
Tiger
Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t
decide between the wood or the iron.
We
heard that Tiger’s wife has been interested in taking
up golf.
However, 2:30am does sound a bit of an odd time to start
hitting your
Woods.
Ping
just offered Elin Nordegren an endorsement contract pushing
her own
set of drivers. They are marketing them as “clubs you
can beat Tiger
with.”
News
travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about
Tiger
Woods’ crash. They are calling it, “Scratching
Swede, Lying Tiger.”
EA
Sports has announced the recall of Tiger Woods 2010 so
a new bonus
level can be added called “Tiger VS The Driveway”.
A collector’s edition
will be sold with a free Wii steering wheel.
THEY
SWEAR THEY ARE ALL ACTUAL EXCHANGES BETWEEN PILOTS AND
CONTROL TOWERS.
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10
o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!”
Tower: “TWA
2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How
much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes
when it hits a 727?”
From
an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing
bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored,
not f…ing stupid!”
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329
heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three
miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to
say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
A
student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What
was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly
long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are
not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a
right at the lights and return to the airport.”
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich
, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, ist das, was unser
Start-Clearance Zeit? “ (Ground, what is our start
clearance time?”)
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must
speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British
accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”
Tower: “Eastern
702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7?
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some
kind of dead
animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you
copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We’ve already notified
our caterers.”
Baby
bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl.
It is empty. "Who’s been eating my porridge?"
he squeaks.
Daddy
Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into
his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who’s
been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts
her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, ‘For God’s sake, how many
times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was
Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone
in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was
Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and
put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor
in the kitchen.It
was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air
to fetch The
newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear
who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who walked the
bloody dog, cleaned the cat’s litter tray, gave them
their food, and refilled their water."
"And now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry
bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy
presence, listen carefully, because I’m only going
to say this once….
I HAVEN’T
MADE THE PORRIDGE YET!"
A man walked into
a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,
he heard a soothing voice say “nice
tie!”. Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty
except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later the voice said “beautiful shirt”.
At this, the man
called the bartender over. “Hey…I
must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I
keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s
not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts” answered
the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me” said the barkeep.”it’s
the peanuts…they’re complimentary.”
Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having
a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the
flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.
The
other two are really worried. “What are we going
to do with our beers? We’re in trouble!” “No,” the driver says, “it’s
OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them
on your
foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.
The police officer
then walks up and says, “You lads
were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been
drinking?”
“Oh, no, officer,” says the driver, pointing
to his forehead, “We’re trying to give up, so
we’re on the patch.”
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